Save the Exclamation! Point

You used up all the punctuation.

2008-09-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

a band

2008-08-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

There is a band named "!!!", commonly referred to as "Chk chk chk."

More on this abomination later.

You Can Help! Donate Now!

2008-06-19T09:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Sirs, Madams, and Bots:

Your friends and mine, the exclamation points, are in dire need of our help. For just pennies a day, you can help save this endangered punctuation mark.

Or you can sit there slouching at your computer, wiping sour cream & onion potato chip grease on your pant leg while the world's resources steadily dwindle so that you can express emotion. The clickity clack of your keyboard and scraping of pens on paper are doing the dirty work for you, after all.

What else were you going to do today? Maybe write a furious post to that obnoxious asshole on your favorite forum, using the exclamation point FOUR TIMES after the word "wrong" so that your conviction may be thoroughly related to the other readers?

I beseech you to embrace peace, and donate $30 to the Save the Point Foundation. You can do so by emailing this blog host.

The Foundation thanks you. But most of all, the Points thank you.

A Word From the Experts

2008-06-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

- Terry Pratchett

the Internet agrees

2008-05-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

From eHow.com:

The often overused exclamation point can add punch to a sentence when used judiciously.

Things you'll need to make an exclamation point:

- Dictionaries [in the spirit of saving resources, I would recommend only one]
- Pens [pencils, markers, chalk, crayons, and charcoal also work]
- Notebook Papers [or any surface easily written on -- sides of buildings are strongly encouraged]

Step-by-step instructions on this difficult ordeal

A Letter From Your Friend and Mine

2008-05-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

Dear English-Speaking Community,

We write you this plea from a dark, damp place where brackets taunt us and ampersands stop to stare at our bruised persons. We are living in abusive squalor.

Day after day, hour after hour, SECOND after SECOND we are overworked and underpaid. The moment we reach existence is the moment we are sold out on an American whim or British jolly. Many of us wish for premature termination on our yet unborn.

We were brought into existence decades ago with a strong purpose. Our ancestors experienced great joy at bringing animation to the written word. Like a rare gem, we were small in number but special in purpose.

First came the hearts and stars. Instead of a dignified dot at the end of our vertical stroke there would be a red or pink mockery of punctuation. The i's understood. We'd lower our heads in shame as the other letters and symbols were written as they were meant to be. Meanwhile we were bastardized for the sake of childish amusement.

Today we work and work and are clumsily whored out to every oh and seriously that is typed or scribbled. Where once our forefathers stood proudly singular on a page, we slouch in long lines behind each other, each time losing a piece of our meaning and souls.

We were meant to express! Our delicate shape makes us fragile and beautiful. But we are lost in long rows of each other -- each one becoming messier and less important than its predecessor.

English speakers, save us from this injustice. Stop cramming us in between gaudy question marks. Stop taking advantage of our loyal availability to you. This mess we're in can be cleaned up, but we need your help to do it.

Yours,
The Exclamation Points of the English Language

Quantity Does Not Your Meaning Magnify

2008-05-09T14:18:00.001-07:00

We all have different skills. Some of us can charm cold-hearted spinsters while others can read and understand Mein Kampf in German, English, and Hebrew just for the hell of it. Just because we're bad at one thing doesn't mean we don't have uncanny talents in other areas. I accept this fact about human intelligence.

But there are some things I cannot embrace. There are some instances in which one written line will cause me to judge you fiercely.

Many have expressed worry at writing to English majors for fear of being judged in this manner. "I check my fucking spelling so that you don't correct it and then I just delete the email and call you because I don't need a goddamn tutor for Christ's sake," they angrily lament as if it's my fault that they're borderline literate. Dudes, I am in a hurry when I email, too. I don't give a damn if you switch your and you're, though it will hurt my brain and I'll bring it up only if you're pissing me off for an unrelated reason.

There is an exception to this allowance, however.

Punctuation is a tool and a gift. It can indicate when to pause, imply upward inflection, and communicate enthusiasm. Incorrect punctuation causes more confusion and miscommunication than most misspellings?

WAIT WAS THAT A QUESTION OR A STATEMENT? WHY AM I YELLING? OMG!!!!

The more exclamation points you waste on expressing your enthusiasm -- or outrage, depending -- the more you will be sorely judged by the literate community. Or just by me. Which can be equally bad because I am modern literature, bitches.

Adding twelve exclamation points does not tell me you are excited; it tells me you are retarded. The bang goes at the end of a sentence to indicate emphasis over its period counterpart. So if you use it after every sentence, you are defeating its entire purpose. Less is more.

Allow me to clumsily dismount my high horse and admit that I too should be judged for a lacking vocabulary and poor syntax. I went to school to study the English language and I still abuse it, knowingly and unknowingly. But there are basics and bare minimums. Some things are common knowledge and some things have web sites devoted to spreading the word.

So now you know. Your ignorance has disappeared along with your excuse. The exclamation point is the sweets and oils of the punctuation food pyramid: use it sparingly.